THE PENTAGON – An unnamed Marine died yesterday after a prolonged battle with unchecked hair growth, Pentagon officials announced today.

The deceased had also been identified as being positively infected with COVID-19, the hypervirulent pathogen responsible for over 136,000 deaths worldwide and a global economic meltdown.

“We tell our Marines to have a fresh haircut every week for this exact reason,” said Sgt. Maj. Troy Black, Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps. “As we all know too well, every instruction out there is written in blood.”