QUANTICO, VA - Marine Corps Ball season is fast approaching, and as America’s force in readiness approaches its 237th year of existence, Marines from all over the country are gearing up their best cameras in order to shoot their annual “Ask a Celebrity to the Ball” videos.

Rumors are buzzing around Quantico over who the Commandant will be asking this year. Will it be J. Lo, Judy Dench, or Betty White? For younger Marines, they will—as usual—be relying on the washed-up actress and former child star pool.

“I heard Mackenzie Phillips puts out… to anybody,” says Lance Corporal Dan Sorenson of 3rd Battalion, 4th Marines. “I’ll probably ask her. If that falls through I’m going to send an invite to the white girl from Different Strokes. I wonder what she’s up to these days?”

But not all Marines are so apt to ask a celebrity to the ball. Sergeant Pat Skinner, of 1st Light Armored Reconnaissance Battalion, recently brewed up a Tunn Tavern-sized commotion when he refused to join in on the sacred tradition of asking celebrities to the ball—opting to take his wife instead.