CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. – If anyone is reading this, I am locked in the bathroom of the gym closest to headquarters. I don't know exactly how it happened, but every Marine in this place suddenly just started raging the fuck out, and I'm afraid for my life.

I was pretty sure half these guys were on steroids to begin with, but it had never been a problem before. Today, though, whichever idiot runs this gym put a Taylor Swift song on the playlist, and I think that set them off. It wasn't even a new one, just one of the standard breakup songs. As soon as the speaker blared, "I knew you were trouble when you walked in," these guys just Went. Fucking. Nuts.

As the growls quickly crescendo'd into full on screams and fits of rage, one guy took a bite out of a barbell like it was a goddamn Otis Spunkmeyer cookie. I wouldn't have minded him so much if he didn't immediately turn and gaze longingly at my leg. A lifter and his spotter over in the corner began to froth blood at the mouth and started smashing their heads into the wall mirrors. They only stopped to lovingly pat each other on the ass.