FORT DRUM, NY - Private First Class Martin Purdue, a soldier in the 10th Mountain Division, was horrified to wake up this morning and find that the world had not in fact ended last night, as predicted by the Mayans approximately 700 years ago.

Purdue initially become fascinated by the ancient prediction after seeing 2012, an apocalypse film released in 2009 starring John Cusack. When Purdue returned to the barracks that night after the film ended, he immediately began surfing the internet and found myriad websites devoted to end-of-times conspiracies. He quickly became a fervent believer.

Year by year, as the predicted date grew closer, PFC Purdue realized that his insider knowledge about the impending catastrophe created a unique opportunity for him to exploit. In November 2012, he took out a $200,000 loan at 47% interest from Honest Mike’s Loan and Liquor Emporium of Watertown, NY.

He also applied for nine separate military-friendly credit cards and proceeded to max them out on mass purchases of energy drinks, TapOut gear, WWE tickets, and a succession of high-priced call girls in the Syracuse area.