WASHINGTON — The Metropolitan Police Special Tactics Branch was activated Saturday night after a fatigued Secretary of Defense James Mattis took eight lives during a casual walk through the downtown area.

Calls to the 911 emergency line began coming in around 6:35 p.m. with reports of a man lying face down with a Vietnam War-era bayonet stuck through the external occipital protuberance area of his skull, as well as at least three other victims having been thrown off of the 14th Street Bridge, sources confirmed.

Police were on the scene within three minutes and encountered a male white subject in his 60s calmly tearing out the vocal chords of a demonstrator from People Power and Potluck! while simultaneously breaking the neck of a passing meter maid.