THE WHITE HOUSE – Lt. Col. Jason Schmutz will be required to ‘dummy cord’ the President’s Emergency Satchel, commonly referred to as the ‘nuclear football,’ to his body after leaving it on top of President Biden’s 1967 Corvette Stingray, sources confirmed today. 

“What a f*cking newb,” White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients told the Duffel Blog. “The nuclear football sat on the hood of the President’s ‘shaggin’ wagon’ for the better part of an hour while Schmuckatelli was stuffing his face.”

This is not the first time sensitive materials were left in the vicinity of the president’s sports car. In 2023, it came to light that President Biden had classified documents stored in his garage next to his Corvette.