THE PENTAGON – Plus-sized service-members everywhere are bursting at the seams with joy after Gen. Martin Dempsey announced Monday that "fat shaming" is the DoD’s newest target in the ongoing War on Hurt Feelings.

“Tens of thousands of these brave men and women are already serving in secret,” Dempsey told journalists at a national press conference and hotdog-eating contest. “They are made to feel ashamed, forced to cheat on physical training tests, but now we are ready to give them their just desserts.”

Sgt. Anne Jenkins, a full-figure warrior who was almost ejected from the Army recently for her body composition, feels vindicated after the announcement.