FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Womack Army Medical Center is still struggling to cope with the influx of patients into its overflowing emergency room, which sources say is due to soldiers playing a drinking game during the first presidential debate on Monday.

Since late Monday, every doctor, nurse and medic on the post not affected with acute alcohol poisoning has been ordered to the hospital to triage and treat thousands of afflicted soldiers. According to reports, more than 7,200 soldiers and DoD civilians have been hospitalized, while hundreds remain in critical condition.

Military installations across the country are reporting similar conditions, with mass casualties reported at every major base.

“It didn’t seem like... like there would be too much drinking in this game,” said Lt. Gen. Stephen J. Townsend, the post's commanding general, after vomiting for 11 straight minutes on the lawn outside his office. “But then they talked and whoop. Whoop. Where did the whiskey go? I drank it. Fuck you.”