1. The Phalanx

Why do millennials hate the ideal military formation, one that managed to create an offensive infantry juggernaut while protecting against frontal assault and cavalry? We don’t know. But nowadays, these snowflakes can’t fight a war without getting on their phones and calling air support or EOD robots to help them out. Google this one, kids, and thank us later!

2. Driving Home Drunk from the O-Club

First they want to let any street urchin with four years at a community college become an officer, rather than a high-born, literate landowner with a deep purse and large tracts of land! And then they take away the only social club entirely devoted to these affluent, well-connected individuals in the name of fairness? Poppycock! Where else might these poor souls share stock tips and discuss the polo matches while getting blitzed and driving home in their Benzes? What’s next, our country club? Congress??

3. Strategic Bombing of Civilian Population Centers

Blah blah blah some nonsense about hearts and minds in counterinsurgency. Spoiler alert: Nobody can join the insurgency if there’s nobody left.