THE PENTAGON — Reports have emerged of a mysterious hero fighting COVID-19—as well as toxic leadership across the Department of Defense.

The hero, known only as "Captain C", has made literal waves out of the excessive perspiring of senior Pentagon leaders over the last few days. According to an official who only gave his name as “Clark Hesper,” senior Pentagon personnel were extremely worried about the damage Captain C could inflict if he decided to release sensitive information about higher-ups at the DoD.

Asked if the many high-ranking officials at the Pentagon should evacuate, Hesper said, "I don't think we're at that point."