WASHINGTON, DC — An extremely controversial Pentagon study on the accuracy of various running and marching cadences has released its preliminary findings today, concluding that napalm does indeed stick to kids.

Col. Wallace Evans from the Army's Office of Motivation said the military had decided to conduct the study as part of an overall drive for more realism in training.

"We know the saying: train like you fight," said Evans. "So why are you going to be chanting something that you're never going to encounter in a combat environment?"

According to Evans, the drive to overhaul cadences came when after-action reports from the 75th Ranger Regiment on the popular multi-service "C-130 Rolling Down a Strip" cadence showed that not only did Airborne Rangers' chutes not open wide, but when the reserve failed they were not able to go after Satan.