THE PENTAGON — As the air cools and the first leaves drop, the Army’s field grades begin their annual migration away from buffets and towards the goal of making height/weight in time for the Oct. 1 start of the fiscal year.

“We call it a reverse hibernation,” said Army wildlife specialist Dr. Steve Erwin. “Bears might fatten up for the winter in preparation for a long winter of food scarcity, but the North American greater army field grade, across the population, lose ten pounds in September and then gain it back at Christmas block leave.”

Erwin added that once a field grade talks about starting keto or intermittent fasting for the next month, it releases a pheromone that lets all the other field grades know to follow the herd and begin migration.

The annual cycle ends in the culling of the field grades, an early October event where dazed officers wander onto a scale or mate with each other in a dramatic ritual known as “pencil whipping.”