WASHINGTON — A new superweapon being developed by the Pentagon is set to be the first ever weapon able to spread jobs simultaneously throughout all 435 congressional districts.

The most lethal and expensive military program in history managed to award contracts to Lockheed Martin, Boeing, Raytheon, Northrup Grumman, KBR, L3, Booz Allen Hamilton, Huawei, Ford, Walmart, and Kroger. Experts say the weapon will be so effective at securing funds that it took $40 billion and two decades of planning just to conceptualize and wargame it.

"When they told me this program would be able to create 400 jobs in Idaho's 2nd district I told them they were crazy," said GS-15 Tom Dickerman (Lt. Col., USA–Ret.), who, by chance, has also signed contracts to work for Lockheed Martin and KBR after his civilian retirement. "But once we got that one, congressional districts started falling like dominoes. Nebraska's 3rd, Wyoming. States I've never even heard of."