FORT BELVOIR, Va. – A new transition assistance initiative unveiled this week will help retiring colonels decide which Civil War battle they should study to ease the sting of being passed over for brigadier general, and to fill the void of no longer working 80 hours a week.

The program, dubbed Colonel for Life, individually matches retiring senior field-grade officers with a specific Civil War battle based on their interests, background, and how they treated subordinates over the course of their careers.

“I thought for sure I would make the [brigadier general] list,” said retired Army Col. Jack Moore, who was staring at a battle map from 1862 and clearly holding back tears. “I mean, I did everything you are supposed to – I attended the War College, I commanded a brigade, and my subordinates never once left the office before 1900. Oh, my results are in.”

“It looks like they assigned me Cold Harbor. I wonder why they gave me a battle that was just a fruitless waste of human life.”