PETERSON AFB, CO — North American Aerospace Defense Command is furiously denying allegations the organization's holiday tradition of tracking Santa Claus' path on Christmas Eve led to the leak of targeting parameters for America's hefty nuclear intercontinental ballistic arsenal.
“I thought it was strange that we had Santa starting out here in the Rockies, and heading straight for Beijing and Pyongyang,” said one senior NORAD official, speaking under condition of anonymity. “By the time we had him dropping cluster-gifts on Tehran, we realized it wasn't the Santa Simulation we were supposed to be running.”
Sources confirmed children watching the Jolly Old Elf's movements around the globe were actually watching targets populate across a digital world map.
Although many targeted cities and locations were predictable — military bases and production centers of key international rivals — parts of the revealed target list were surprising even to most Americans, and caused significant blowback within U.S. diplomatic circles. Protests across the world gripped headlines this morning, as even Canadians took to the streets with signs reading, “Quebec Probably Isn't Worth Bombing,” “Please Don't Bomb Canada, if You Can Avoid It,” and, “We'll Do Better, We Promise!”
