WASHINGTON, D.C. — Under increasing fire after the disastrous launch of HealthCare.gov, the Obama administration announced Monday it would call upon the best technicians in the Defense Department to fix the Obamacare website, sources confirmed.

"We have called the best technicians from AKO, DTS, and DCGS-A to lend their expertise in fixing this site," Obama said in a statement.

The Defense Department is known for employing a vast array of programmers — creators of Army Knowledge Online, Defense Travel Service, Distributed Common Ground System - Army, and MyPay — who work from a small room in the Pentagon basement across from Satan's military attaché office.

"You know, I have a lot of experience building websites in Geocities, and I brought that expertise to AKO," said Neil Akers, an Army systems administrator with a prestigious Homeland Security degree from Everest University. "People have a lot of concerns about their personal information, so we've decided to require CAC-enabled security to log in," referring to the microchip-enabled cards carried solely by U.S. military personnel.