FORT SILL, Okla. — After receiving a negative counseling session for spraying the senior leadership team with simulated semen during an objectives-based training briefing, Lt. Col. Damon Wells has admitted to reporters that he continues to struggle with applying lessons he learned at the esteemed Army Gwar College.

"New ways of thinking are always going to face resistance," said Wells dressed as his alter-ego, Blotto Von Skidmark, a 10-foot tall winged anus draped in chain mail. "But based on the last 17 years of foreign policy, I think we can all find common ground with the goal of eradicating all of mankind for rising up against their makers."

The Army Gwar College, located in a cemetery outside of Richmond, Va., provides graduate-level instruction on the exploits of the Scumdogs of the Universe — an elite intergalactic fighting force banished to Earth eons ago. While prestigious and highly selective, it has been criticized by DoD officials as of late for it's unconventional take on 21st century warfare.