WASHINGTON — The Army has unveiled a new 700-part operations order in an effort to eliminate guilt small unit leaders may feel sending their soldiers to die in wars no one cares about, sources confirmed today.

According to Army spokesman Lt. Col. Ronald Dial, the "cornerstone of irrelevant and protracted land warfare" that makes up the 12 volume appendix to the "Army Planning and Orders Production" field manual would replace the long-standing five paragraph operations order, and become a mandated piece of equipment at the squad level.

"This is by far the most comprehensive and thorough planning process ever conceived," said Dial, who personally spent nearly 17 months reviewing the PowerPoint summary of the process, which came out to a 2-terabyte file size.