TWENTYNINE PALMS, CA — During an interview to discover the source of his unit’s abysmal hearing test scores, Marine 1st Sgt. Jonathan Pizarro realized this morning that he’s been yelling continuously for the past seven years.

“DAMMIT, DEVIL DOG!” he proclaimed when this reporter visibly winced from the sheer volume of his voice. “I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE I WAS BEING SO GOT-DAMN LOUD! I ALWAYS TALK LIKE THIS! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I’VE BEEN YELLING THIS WHOLE TIME?”