FORT CARSON, Colo. — The soldiers of Charlie Company are giving Sgt. Kirk Tanner a wide berth after finding out that he brought every single item on the assigned packing list like an absolute psycho.
“You wonder what’s going on in a guy like that’s head,” said Sgt. 1st Class Cliff Thwape. “You hear stories about war and how much it can mess with you, but no one can prepare you for seeing something like this.”
The disconcerting situation was discovered when he showed up for a five-day field exercise with his rucksack, two duffel bags, an assault pack, and then also three more duffel bags.
“Look, I’m the first sergeant, and even I didn’t bring everything on the list,” said 1st Sgt. Tim Fluellen. “Hell, I didn’t even read the packing list, despite having written it."
Despite an extensive background check on Tanner conducted by Duffel Blog showing no history of criminal activity or psychological issues, sources say the company must obviously be dealing with an unbalanced, yet highly intelligent, super reprobate.
“He had a toothbrush tray,” sobbed one specialist, “A toothbrush tray, for God’s sake!” as a team member wrapped a blanket around him.
“Back-up eyeglasses straps? The guy has 20/20 vision!” said a visibly rocked medic.
“The list said to bring a poncho or a tarpaulin. Well, Sgt. Tanner brought both,” muttered the first sergeant as he lit a cigarette. “I haven’t had a smoke in 10 years. I promised my wife I would quit on her deathbed.”
Tensions rose and a fight broke out as soldiers argued about whether Tanner should be referred to the Mental Health Support Program or if they should call the chaplain.
Eventually, the chaplain arrived and spoke with the soldier for an hour behind closed doors. He staggered out of the orderly room, fell to his knees, and tossed his frock in the trash can. It still sits there, resting among the dip cans and empty Monster cans.
“He had five laminated copies of his orders,” said the company commander, who was sure to be relieved for cultivating an environment of such profound depravity. “We didn’t even cut orders for this exercise!”
“Who produced the orders?” he shouted as he punched a computer monitor, “Who the hell produced the orders?”
Tanner was last heard claiming he needed to “step out after formation to get a few last-minute things”.
“I’m afraid the shoppette won’t stock the one thing he so desperately needs,” whispered the Chaplain to no one in particular. “A soul.”
Cobra Commander’s company motto is “When you’re here, your family”. You can follow him on Twitter at @c0brcommand3r.
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