Colonel Preemptively Fires Himself While Assuming Command

LANGLEY AIR BASE — Citing the alarming number of military officers who’ve had their careers ended this year for sexual impropriety, Air Force Col. Nolan Franscastle preemptively removed himself from leadership of the 1st Fighter Wing just 30 minutes into the ceremony that marked his assumption of command.

“The numbers don’t lie,” Franscastle said to the capacity crowd right after thanking the band and the color guard for being at the ceremony. “I’m an otherwise stable forty-something male with no history of misconduct being put in a position of moderate authority. I have to face the facts and get in front of this thing.”

Franscastle addressed his family, saying, “I apologize for potentially bringing discredit to you. Although I haven’t actually done anything, the most recent statistics among my peers across the military show I could have done something to embarrass you.”

The guest speaker for the change of command, Maj. Gen. H.D. Polumbo, commander of 9th Air Force, left the dais immediately following Franscastle’s resignation and was unavailable for comment. However, his public affairs officer, Maj. Beth Meyerson, said, “It’s important to note that the general was unaware of the thing that never happened. And he’s already ordered a full investigation into it.”

“Command is a career killer in the 21st Century,” said James McKnight of the New American Thing, a Washington, D.C.-based military think tank. “Smart officers have learned to avoid it altogether.”

Note: This was a guest a post from a contributor who wishes to remain anonymous.