Army casts Jonathan Majors in new murder mystery set at Fort Hood
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
Say it enough times and it has to come true!
FORT CAVAZOS, Tx — The United States Army’s Enterprise Marketing Office (AEMO) announced that, despite the decision to put a series of recruiting commercials featuring actor Jonathan Majors on hold following his arrest on charges of strangulation, assault, and harassment, it is proceeding with a separate initiative to cast the actor as the lead in a new murder mystery film set at Fort Cavazos (the Fort formerly known as Hood) in Texas.
“We realize that this decision might surprise some, but from our perspective, Mr. Majors is a natural fit for this role,” said AEMO spokesman Major Chad “Slappy” Broseph. “A toxic personality combined with a lack of accountability? Christ, this guy should be put up for brigade command, not put behind bars.”
“Besides, what the outside world calls ‘strangulation, assault, and harassing a woman’,” said Broseph, providing helpful air quotes, “is just another Friday night at Fort Hood. Honestly, this wouldn’t even make the blotter there.”
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