WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden, a 79-year-old senile out-of-touch American leader still living in the 20th century, has claimed success in the killing of Ayman Al-Zawahiri, a 71-year-old senile out-of-touch Al Qaeda leader still living in the 7th century.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Biden told members of the White House Press Corps, “We got him!” The president stood at the podium for several more minutes, staring blankly, until a reporter finally asked, “Got who?”
Top national security aides say Biden was first informed in April that the CIA had identified Al-Zawahiri and other top Al Qaeda leaders living in a safe house in Kabul, Afghanistan under the protection of the Taliban. They then spent the following months refining their intelligence and repeatedly explaining to him what Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Kabul, and Afghanistan were.
The actual raid was planned in early July, according to officials. Biden was described as "deeply engaged" in the planning, only falling asleep twice and managing to find the bathroom on the first try. He ultimately agreed to the raid after planners assured him he could still be vice president in 2012. Then on July 25, Biden issued a final order to his commanders: "Get Noriega!" The strike against Zawahiri was launched only a few days later.
The killing of Zawahiri has thrown the leadership of Al Qaeda into disarray. Mohammed Zaidan, popularly known as Saif al-Adel, has been appointed as Al Qaeda's acting Emir until God tells him otherwise, or he has all his opponents shot, whichever comes first.
Zaidan spoke with Duffel Blog and described Zawahiri as a gentle doddering grandfather who only occasionally ordered the deaths of hundreds or thousands of innocent civilians.
"Brother Zawahiri... how to describe him," al-Adel said. "Let's just say the Quran was open, but the pages weren't turning."
He described a confused elderly man shuffling around his Kabul safe house, asking how the World Trade Center attack was coming along and if Usama bin Laden had called that day. He did add that Zawahiri remained active in Al Qaeda's day-to-day operations, such as planning a terrorist attack on the Moon or seeing if robots could be converted to radical Islam.
Hibatullah Akhundzada, leader of the Taliban and a frequent guest at Zawahiri's home, also told Duffel Blog how disheartened he was to see the world's most wanted terrorist reduced to just blowing up his pants every hour.
“We tried letting him make a propaganda video last month,” Akhundzada sighed, “but stopped recording after he addressed it to the cat on the window sill.”
Still, U.S. officials are optimistic that the killing of Zawahiri has sent a message to all terrorists: oppose the U.S. and expect to die in a luxurious house in a posh neighborhood while being sheltered by a foreign government.
"Justice was delivered to Zawahiri!" Biden said in his speech to the American people. "But I didn't tip the delivery man because the pancakes were cold."
The most impressive part has been redacted. Seems the Pentagon has teamed with Ronco to develop the Whopper Chopper of Death. Imagine combining a lethal 50-year-old missile with razor sharp vegetable chopping blades. The vic wants a little kale to help his heart healthy diet and WHAM six blades send most of him to eternal paradise. Plus it keeps up the retail value of the safe house. And that's another thing that bothers me. Why do we call them "safe houses"? Maybe "death houses" or "extermination apartments". Cause they sure don't seem safe to me.
Sweet Moses that was good. Genius!