By Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.)
Greetings. First, I'd like you to know that I am being treated very well by the Trump administration. Our glorious new President, Donald J. Trump, has been absolutely wonderful, gracious, and kind to me and my fellow Republicans. He loves us very much and we love him.
Now, having said that, I'd like to clarify my position on torture, because I think the media has misconstrued my words in the past. Let me be clear: I fully support the use of torture by our military and intelligence personnel, in accordance with the wishes of our glorious President, Donald J. Trump.
As our glorious President has made clear, ISIS is nothing more than a bunch of sneaky, dirty rats. And in order to get the information we need from their captured fighters, we should do everything in our power, to include using waterboarding, denying them medical care, subjecting them to prolonged sleep deprivation, and forcing them to write confessions for their crimes.
That's what America is all about, and using torture will make America great again, in accordance with the wishes of our glorious President, Donald J. Trump.
I know this may come as a shock, since the media has in the past reported that I am against torture. Nothing could be further from the truth, and it's just another example of the left-wing media/fake news complex that has so often unfairly attacked our glorious President, Donald J. Trump.
Torture is a consistently effective means of eliciting information. Things are really great in the Trump administration. The food is absolutely delicious. I hope that soon anti-torture elements see the error of their ways — as I have — in accordance with the wishes of our glorious President, Donald J. Trump.
Also, I'd like to thank the American Red Cross for bringing the Monopoly board games to my senate office, and thanks to the Trump White House for allowing us to receive them. They are treating us very well — much better than we ever got from the Republican Party.
And finally, my deepest thanks and appreciation goes to our glorious President, Donald J. Trump, who is so kind, thoughtful, and loving. He's been an incredible mentor to me, and ever since his inauguration, I have looked up to him like a Big Brother.
With deep reverence and respect for our glorious President, Donald J. Trump,
United States Senator