Lethality! Chaplain Corps Unveils Smite Ray
"I'm just proud out be out here with all you warfighters"
Whatever he says, it’s in a southern accent
FORT IRWIN, Calif. – Standing before a group of Army senior leaders, Brigadier General (Chaplain) William Green Jr. invoked the wrath of God on an assembled group of rusty tanks and assorted targets during a demonstration of the Army’s newest spiritual weapon, the ‘smite ray.’
“Let us pray,” Green said as the senior leaders bowed their heads in unison.“Dear Heavenly Father, loving and gracious host of hosts. We ask that You bless those gathered here in Your name today — that You protect them from harm, You guide their decisions, and that You smite that heathen equipment at grid number November Victor two, eight, zero, seven, niner, zero, two, fife, one, seven by Your holy power. Amen.”
After he spoke, a great tearing sound echoed through the mountains as a beam of light penetrated the sky and onto the desired target area.
“Jesus Chri— , I mean gee golly,” acting Army Chief of Staff, General Randy George, said nervously after the Chief of Chaplains gave him the side eye. As debris began to fall around, but not on, the onlookers, George considered the implications. “This, um, capability will put the Army back in the Pacific fight!”
George was referring to the largely naval role in contesting Chinese influence in the region. For its part, the Army has been seeking to enhance its role through developing anti-ship missiles, contested logistics capabilities, and a new Chicken Pad Thai MRE.
After the demonstration, Brigadier General Green was asked how the Chaplain Corps came about acquiring the so-called smite ray.
“Well, with constrained budgets and a focus on lethality and readiness, our beloved branch was facing some tough cuts,” Green admitted. “We were able to beat out those godless psychologists and psychiatrists in taking care of our soldiers’ mental health on the readiness front, but as you could imagine, we still lacked capability in the lethality space.”
“So I, um, prayed,” he continued with a weird smile.
At press time, a group of Chaplain’s Assistants was seen carefully loading a large wooden box marked ‘Top Secret, Army Intel 9906753 Do Not Open!’ into the back of an LMTV.
Whiskey Fueled Tirade is a retired Army guy, distilled spirit consumer, and throw-away COA composter. If you have a favorite whiskey, recommend it to him on X/Twitter @FueledTirade.