MOSCOW — In a surprise announcement today, Russia confirmed that the Ukrainian military had taken out a significant number of its generals in battle and promised that if Ukraine kills one more, the next high-ranking officer will be eliminated “entirely free.”

The announcement was made by Adm. Igor Olegovich Kostyukov, head of the Russian General Staff's Main Intelligence Department (GRU). In a sternly-worded statement aimed primarily at Russian forces that have largely stalled in their invasion of Ukraine, Kostyukov said that what they needed in the face of fierce resistance was a little “aggressive encouragement.”

“To that end,” said Kostyukov, “we promise that if Ukraine successfully kills 12 generals, we’ll give them one more, on the house.”