By Rock or Something

MOSCOW — Russian Defense Minister Sergey Shoygu confirmed today that nearly 1,000 Russian Army 2nd lieutenants deserted their units immediately following Ukraine’s Operation “Fuck Your Azimuth.” 

The Ukrainian Interior Minister, Denys Monastyrskiy, called on rural towns to remove or change road signs in order to confuse the invaders. As Russian troops struggled with communications equipment, Ukrainians severely limited the enemy’s ability to find major targets by either removing signs or providing specific directions to hell.

The tactics proved too much for the second lieutenants, who ordered tanks to pull over and let them out. Verified sources reported that none of the enlisted troops tried to stop them before continuing their mission, only to be later thwarted by no fuel resupply. 

“At least we don’t have our idiot officers quoting Kolobonov or Clausewitz to us while we try to carjack innocent civilians for petrol,” said Sgt. Olev Wagnerovski.