WASHINGTON — Frantic grabbing, yelling, and hoarding are not behaviors limited to the playground. A senior Department of Defense official revealed that such methods also help determine the annual defense budget, to the surprise of pretty much nobody.

“We’ve been copying kid’s games for years,” said Thomas Killigan, Undersecretary of Defense for Budget and Infighting. “Resourcing based on validated and justifiable requirements is all bullshit that only overachieving colonels and fossilized GS-15s pretend to understand.” He said that in reality, senior leaders grab all the funding they can for pet projects, and the only justification is who has the fastest and biggest mouth.

Since the 1970s, the DoD has used the Hungry Hungry Hippos system, a game where four players gather marbles with colorful plastic hippopotamuses. The player who takes the most marbles with their plastic hippo mouth wins.

“Hippos is a great model to determine funding,” said Killigan, himself a budgeter since the Nixon administration, said “and its for ages four to eight, so a great fit, maturity-wise, with many senior executives and general officers.”