FORT BRAGG — The Pentagon announced this week that all military children will be gifted lifelong therapy and alcoholism to celebrate the ‘Month of the Military Child’ this April.

“When a soldier serves, his family serves,” said Army Chief of Staff Gen. McConnville, “That’s why we’re thanking our military children with two things we know they’ll always need: alcohol and therapy.”

Children of soldiers face many different hardships. They have to move and make new friends every two to three years, wear tacky ‘My daddy’s a hero’ shirts gifted to them by family friends, and tolerate the trashy ‘rat tail’ and toddler ‘high and tights’ that their parents give them.

Plus, today’s military children face new difficulties as the kids of social-media-obsessed millennials: they star without consent in parents’ viral “Surprise! I’m back from deployment!” videos, and their peers mock them for their parents’ silly viral Tik-Toks. The daughter of the ‘he’s a Marine’ Tik Tok video reportedly had to transfer schools because of bullying.