THE PENTAGON – Many service members were scratching their heads Monday after receiving a cryptic new directive from the office of Gen. Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Coincidentally, Dempsey’s teenage son Corey, currently grounded and without car keys after receiving a D in Poli Sci, visited his father’s office the same morning. According to sources, the rebellious youth took the opportunity of his father visiting the restroom to check his email on the general's workstation.

Shortly afterward, all general officer-level commands received the directive, entitled “I SUCK WEENER [sic] SO HARD.” Officially, the issued guidance is known as DoD Directive 6969.LOL.

“I mean, we’ll go ahead and lean forward,” said Gen. Lloyd J. Austin, commander of U.S. Central Command. “But I’m finding it hard to interpret some of the Chief’s new guidance. How does ‘I AM A GAY HUMP ME IN THE HOMOBUTT LOLZ’ translate into meaningful policy shifts? I guess I’m just going to have to call his office and ask, but I don’t want to sound stupid.”