PENTAGON — As part of an overall effort to better align military capabilities with European allies, the United States today announced that the Pentagon will direct PTSD-affected military personnel, both current and future, to move away from the current U.S.-standard 1000-yard stare and instead adopt the NATO 1000-meter stare for troops that have seen a lot of shit.

“Our nation has always taken the physical and psychological trauma experienced by our troops very seriously,” said Pentagon spokesperson John Kirby. “That’s evidenced in the way Congress has worked speedily over the past 10 years to pass legislation to care for troops exposed to burn pits and toxic environments. Similarly, this action shows just how seriously we want to care for troops with PTSD.”   

The current 1000-yard stare has been in use for as long as there’s been an American military, and traditionalists have voiced skepticism that American mental trauma can’t be shoehorned into a European model. However, Secretary of the Army Christine Wormuth disagrees.