WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has extended the definition of service member dependents to include non-family, even the good-for-nothing boyfriend your wife keeps at home while you are on deployment, Duffel Blog has learned.

“Bobby Joe’s a sweetheart, but he ain’t cheap, and he don’t have no income of his own,” said your wife in a recent statement to your neighbor. “He’s long since been dependin’ on us, so it just seems right that he’s our actual dependent now.”

The benefits of his dependency status include a tax credit and monthly stipend for you, and a DoD ID card for Bobby Joe.

“I love me some cheap Jim Beam I get on post,” Bobby Joe reportedly said, in a deposition to his parole officer. “I just wish I could get me one of them meal cards, too,” he followed, because he’s a worthless parasite, unlike Asha, your sweet-ass deployment girlfriend downrange.