UNITED ARAB EMIRATES — An argument between two enlisted crew from the aircraft carrier USS Dwight D. Eisenhower has sparked fierce division and actual violence among sailors, forcing the ship into emergency port call for repairs.

Sources agree that the argument began at approximately 3 bells (0300) Arabian Standard Time on Friday morning, when Culinary Specialists Third Class James Horner and David Pieman reported for duty and began mess preparation. Although details are scarce, witnesses agree that Horner declared tomatoes were vegetables, while Pieman held that they were fruit.

“The seeds are on the inside!” Pieman was heard shouting, as the conflict began to escalate.

“Strawberries are fruit, and their seeds are on the outside!” responded Horner.