FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — Soldiers of the 101st Airborne were once again treated to the wisdom of one of the division’s most renowned philosophers this week, sources report.

“Monday morning around 0500, I was reading a book at the desk near the end of my CQ shift,” Pfc. Edward Stone told Duffel Blog. “All of a sudden [Sgt. 1st Class] Allen storms in and shouts, “Wake up, you! Why the fuck are you sleeping?”

“I tried to explain that I was reading, not sleeping,” Stone continued. “And that’s when I knew I’d walked right into his logical trap, because he asked me, ‘Are you calling me a liar?’”

“It’s a classic paradox, a question to which there's no right answer,” according to Dr. Robert Feldman, Professor of Philosophy at the United States Military Academy. “Sgt. Allen is following in the footsteps of Socrates: using logic to embarrass and expose people who think they understand the truth. Or, in this case, to arbitrarily crush some poor Joe’s nuts.”