BETHESDA, Maryland — Capt. Kacey Anderson, a physical therapist at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, says the key to making a full recovery is a simple six-hour stretching regimen repeated at least four times a day.

“A recent study found that patients who stretch at least 24 hours a day have the shortest recovery times,” Anderson told reporters while contorting a young airman into a figure four. “It also showed a correlation between stretching and egg-laying capacity. To be sure, the study was conducted on crickets and harpy eagles, but we’re pretty sure the findings apply to humans as well.”

Anderson, who has recently dedicated her life to the merits of physical therapy, acknowledges stretching is not a panacea.

“I’m not saying physical therapy is some sort of medical cure-all,” Anderson said as she forced the airman’s legs behind his head, causing an audible pop. “But if you really want to recover from an injury, you’re going to need to put the time in foam rolling your quads, building up that core strength, and training your body to continue stretching even in your sleep.”