WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER, Md. — Through labored, shallow breaths and the mechanical pauses of a ventilator, Air Force fighter pilot Captain Brad “Full” Nelson struggles under the spell of an induced coma. His squadron mates recount the accident that nearly led to his death.

“We went to the bar Friday night after we'd been drinking at the squadron for a few hours,” said Captain Jerry “Can” Stanford. “Full is pretty aggressive, and he bellied up to start a tab. There was a beautiful girl there with her friends—a blonde I think, probably an eight, at least. She looked at him and said, ‘Not interested.’ It looked like it didn’t phase him. He broke off, reoriented, and acted. Primo OODA loop, right brah? Next shot was ‘I’m a pilot.’ I think she frowned, turned her head away, and he went down in flames. Collapsed”

Bar patrons corroborated the story, saying it looked like the pilot was kneecapped. The bartender called 911 immediately, saying he’s seen similar injuries in recent years. “Other jobs are cooler now,” bartender Jevon Richards Jr. said. “Chicks want dudes with instagram accounts and muscles, not guts of steel.”

While waiting for the ambulance, Full’s heroic wingmen kept him alive. “We told him things like, ‘You’re still a pilot, dude. You still got your wings.’ That seemed to keep the air in his lungs.”