WASHINGTON — The hellish shrieks of a million non-commissioned officers could be heard across the globe after Army Pvt. Kyle Stumpf broke established tradition and used the Commander-in-Chief’s open-door policy, sources confirmed today.

“Stumpf said he wanted to speak with the commander after I made him do push-ups for losing his weapon and I said ‘you go right ahead,’” Stumpf’s team leader told reporters as he stood at ease outside the doors of the Oval Office. “I didn’t know he meant THE commander. Next thing I know, I’m here with every NCO in [Stumpf’s] support channel.”

“The Sgt. Maj. of the Army looks like he had six scoops of pre-workout and then didn’t get to go to the gym.”

Military historians say the open door policy is a tradition stemming from the Napoleonic era where French officers needed a way to make the unprecedented mass of conscripts believe the command cared about their peasant problems. Commanders would publicly profess their doors or tent flaps were always open, and stalwart NCOs stood by to prevent the conscripts from actually using the policy—usually with a whip or the flat of a sword.