FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The entire Psychological Operations Regiment mourned today, as Capt. Robert Rivera was forced to receive a wicked haircut within military standards, resulting in Rivera's immediate death.

Much like Sampson, Robert Pattinson, or Robert Plant, Rivera received the majority of his sustaining life force from his courageously out-of-regulation haircut, which flowed down to his shoulders on days when he let his ponytail out.

“The mane was amazing. I couldn’t bring myself to deny the world of such beauty,” said Rivera’s previous commander, Major Roger "Roger" Smith. “Even the [special forces] guys complimented him on it. Do you know how rare it is for a PSYOPer to be complimented by anyone in Special Forces? Rivera was our unicorn.”