BOSTON, MA — Thousands of angry baseball fans expressed disappointment after the Boston Red Sox held a realistic tribute to military service Friday, witnesses report.

According to team officials, the Red Sox were hoping to support the troops and show fans what military service really meant. Starting with the scheduling of the game, which was set for 1:30 p.m., the doors to Fenway were closed at 1:15. Fans were then forced to stand at parade rest by their seats until the umpires arrived 45 minutes later.

At 2:10, a Chinook helicopter landed in left field and unloaded a dozen National Guardsmen. Witnesses say the soldiers stormed the home dugout, fired team manager John Farrell, and replaced him with the most corrupt fan available. The Red Sox were then sent home and the soldiers filled the team roster with locals who had never before played baseball.

"Half the team took their signing bonuses and fled into the stands," said witness John O'Malley. "Then they began looting from the beer and hot dog vendors."