YOUR LOCAL BASE CLINIC — Shocking documents reveal that the little button on the hearing test clicker is actually a direct line to the nipples of America’s greatest enemies.

The story broke when a contract electrician at Camp Pendleton found an odd yellow and black striped wire during a renovation of the base clinic. The unnamed man allegedly followed the cord all the way to southern Florida, where it continued into the Gulf of Mexico and all the way to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, directly into a pair of jumper cables clamped onto the pepperoni slices of infamous terrorist Ali Omar al-Salaam.

A full-scale investigation followed, identifying similar lines at bases across the United States, each one terminating on the boob hats of a known America-hater.