LAWRENCE, Kansas — Lt. Col. Brent Patrick, commander of the University of Kansas Army Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) program, somehow did not fuck a cadet during his command, sources confirmed today.

“We are checking our data because obviously this is unprecedented,” said Maj. Gen. Antonio Munera, Commanding General of Cadet Command. “And yet, against all odds, during his three-year tenure, Lt. Col. Patrick appears to have not used his elevated position to prey on any college co-eds.”

ROTC commanders are the ostensible top of the food chain for most cadets. They have immense power in a small bubble over the burgeoning careers of students who, in many cases, rely on their ROTC service to pay for college. Even a seemingly consensual relationship runs grossly afoul of doctrine, and legal, ethical, and moral standards.

“We challenge ourselves as an Army to think outside the box and embrace shocking new paradigms,” Lt. Col. Patrick told reporters. “So, while it’s an arguably unorthodox course of action, I elected to remain faithful to my wife and family.”

Patrick’s shocking embrace of marital fidelity hasn’t gone unnoticed by the cadets under his command.

“I mean, you expect at least a little fucking of cadets from a PMS,” said Jayhawk Battalion Executive Officer, Cdt. Brandy Markham, referring to Lt. Col. Patrick’s position as Professor of Military Science. 

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