Sailors at Naval Station Norfolk cut back trees around grass to prevent future incidents of spontaneous combustion from spreading.

NORFOLK, VA – A sailor at Naval Station Norfolk spontaneously burst into flames yesterday, according to multiple witnesses.

The sailor was moving to the Bachelor Enlisted Quarters when he suddenly and violently burst into flames upon stepping off the sidewalk and onto a field of grass while wearing his Navy Service Uniform. Bystanders were unable to offer a detailed account, as the victim was incinerated in mere moments and reduced to a smoldering pile of ashes sprinkled atop remarkably mirror-like Corframs.

The victim, identified as Seaman Apprentice Jason Walden, appeared to have intentionally cut across the grass as a shortcut to his destination. Forensic analysts speculate the tragedy could have been averted with a sharp “To the Rear, March.”