JOINT BASE NORTH POLE — North Pole Garrison commander Santa Claus has denied allegations that the eggnog in elf housing contains toxic levels of contaminates.
Elves traditionally bathe, do dishes, and wash their tights and smocks in the public egg nog supply in elf housing. For many elves, the contaminated eggnog has forced them to shower at Santa’s workshop, move into temporary gingerbread houses, or buy bottled eggnog from the AAFES White Elephant Exchange.
“It’s important that we don’t jump to any conclusions about what’s happening in Elf Housing,” said Claus at a recent all elves town hall meeting and carol singalong.
“There are a lot of ways to make eggnog, and sometimes it might smell a little more like nutmeg, and sometimes it might smell a little more like PFAS. That doesn’t mean that it’s not safe to drink. The fact that the sparkle narwhals around the base lost their horns is coincidental. No way the 78% illness rate for minor elves is connected to this in any way. I’ve put my best elves on investigating the issue, but at this point, there’s no evidence anyone should be on the naughty list.”
