WASHINGTON — During a joint press conference where the United States and Saudi Arabia celebrated their shared values of exchanging obscene amounts of money, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman presented a dazzling golden bone saw to President Donald Trump.

“This humble token of our friendship epitomizes what makes our relationship so special,” said bin Salman. “The bone saw symbolizes that no obstacle which our nations face is so great it can’t be viciously torn apart with the right tools.”

“This is amazing,” Trump said, drool slipping down his chin as he ogled the high-quality gold. “You know what? I’m going to give you some F-35s, with the employee discount.” The jovial atmosphere of the press conference was then momentarily interrupted when Trump cut his hand after grabbing the sharp end of the instrument, having never actually handled such a tool.

Prior to this meeting, sources indicated that Saudi officials had worried that they might not be able to come up with the perfect “something special” for the famously gift-loving president.

“Frankly, there’s been a lot of competition in terms of greasing the White House’s palm,” complained one Saudi official. “It’s hard to compete with all these other nations giving planes and golden crowns to Trump. But this saw comes from the heart. And probably goes through it. It's really quite special, you know? Something that says, “this is worth a lot of money.”

The saw, crafted with a hand-carved handle of lapis lazuli, diamond-coated teeth, and an inscription that reads "Keep cutting deals, Mr. President," is capable of “slicing through the most persistent of problems,” said bin Salman, “regardless of who…I mean…what they are.”

“Anything,” the prince repeated, eyeing the media pool.

One reporter seemed to take issue with the saw, and asked Trump about a U.S. intelligence report that placed culpability for the death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s death directly on the highest levels of the Saudi government.

“That’s fake news,” said Trump. “But look at this craftsmanship. It's a beautiful bone saw. Solid gold! And you can’t trust the president who was in charge when the intel losers made that assessment. There are two sides to every story, and things happen.”

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