FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Army Sgt. William Midas, who has not worn a mask to his unit since February 2020, is strictly enforcing mandatory reflective belts during afternoon physical training, sources confirmed today.

“Is safety during PT a joke to you? Do you think it’d be funny if you got hit by a car? What if a deer came up, didn’t see you, and ran into you? What if you lost your buddy on the soccer field during sprint drills? So many scenarios that are easily solved with the neon-colored reflector belt that is mandatory for 1600 workouts,” Midas yelled, as he put his maskless face three inches from a member of his squad.

Sgt. Midas has been a fierce supporter of mandatory reflective belt wear at all hours of the day, no matter the UV index. “Safety first!” screamed Midas, as spittle flew from his mouth and landed on bystanders.