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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 117 · Wednesday, 30 September 2026

Army

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

Pentagon says clogged fixture brings “continuity, stability and ability to swallow enormous amounts of shit”

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

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Vol. 15 · No. 117

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Vol. 15 · No. 117 · Deployed worldwide

Wednesday

30 September 2026

1209 Zulu

Next edition Friday

← Front page
· Page 2

Naval Academy graduate prefers to masturbate with his class ring

Filed · 1537

WASHINGTON — Navy Lt. Roger Johnson prefers to masturbate with his class ring, the 2011 graduate of the US Naval Academy recently admitted to friends. And Johnson is not alone.

A recent poll of military service academy graduates found that 98% of male and almost 73% of female alumni masturbate with their class rings. Military leadership is calling the results "surprising."

The survey, published by the Military Times, finds that the large majority of officers who received their commission from one of the three service colleges, admit they use their class rings to masturbate. A staggering 68% report they are unable to achieve an orgasm without it.

“It just feels right,” Johnson said. “To have the two most precious things in my world in my hand at the same time is really special.”

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