FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Sgt. Maj. Lawrence Kershner called an emergency battalion formation to warn soldiers not to watch The Force Awakens after seeing it at a midnight showing, battalion sources confirm.

"The film literally has nothing to do with any military force waking up," Kershner told the assembled troops, in a rambling speech that seemed to last nearly as long as the first three movies. "I know you are all as excited as I was to see a movie about reveille and morning PT, but the title is completely false."

The rest of the battalion stood in sleepy-eyed disbelief as Kershner went on to spoil the film's entire plot. He also waxed nostalgic about the allegedly declining US military standards.