BAGRAM AIR BASE — A sleep-deprived pilot in a severely catatonic state was unsure whether he was on final approach toward the main runway at Bagram or getting a lap dance from Carmen Electra, sources confirmed today.

The pilot who wishes to remain anonymous, indicated that he had not slept in well over 24 hours prior to the start of his flight due to a non-stop Battlefield 4 marathon. The lack of sleep didn't deter the 31-year-old from getting in the cockpit, since he assured reporters that, in fact, "the plane practically flies itself."

Capt. Frank "Po-Boy" Johnson, co-pilot of the C-17, noted that prior to conducting the standard combat landing during final approach, he turned the stick back over to the anonymous pilot who confirmed control with a quite audible, "mmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm!!!!!"