STUTTGART, Germany – Displaying an astounding lack of verbal acuity, sources confirmed today that Pfc. Peter Miller vocally and emphatically incriminated his intellect before his peers, effectively invalidating all future opinions and predetermining as insipid all post hoc observations he might later pronounce.

With incredible alacrity and candor, Miller's realization that a fellow soldier hailed from Miller's own Wisconsin led him to exclaim, “Wow, that’s so ironic!” The Badger State is coincidentally home to 5.7 million other Americans.