Colombian soldiers teach Marines the best way to cook up cocaine.

DORAL, FL — Sources confirmed that Southern Command closed its doors today after failing to win the war on drugs for the billionth time since its inception in 1963. Although most of the blame was heaped onto its bastard son Joint Inter-Agency Task Forth South, SOUTHCOM accepted full responsibility.

"When Special Operations Command South contracted Dora the Explorer to infiltrate MS13, we knew we had jumped the shark as a component command. Don't get me wrong, Dora's Spanish language ability was top notch but she failed as a viable operator and we're gonna miss her," an unnamed source told Duffel Blog.

According to a Government Accountability Office report, the one billionth loss was achieved January 19th, 2013, in the Lower East side of New York, N.Y. when Trent Dyson of the Wall Street firm Goldman Sachs copped an eight ball of cocaine for two hundred fifty dollars.